An Interview with Satan
Part 1

by Robert J. BAUMANN

Introductory quote from the Gospel of Matthew Chapter 13

The Parable of the Weeds

24Jesus told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. 25But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. 26When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

27"The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?'

28" 'An enemy did this,' he replied.

"The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?'

29" 'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. 30Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.' "

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The Parable of the Weeds Explained

36.... His disciples came to him and said, "Explain to us the parable of the weeds in the field."

37He answered, "The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man. 38The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the sons of the kingdom. The weeds are the sons of the evil one, 39and the enemy who sows them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels.

40"As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age. 41The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. 42They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 43Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear.

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It was an unusual assignment handed to me by Bircan Unver Culkin. "If you disagree with our stated purposes of what 'Peace' is and how to achieve it, then why don't you write down your opinion and we will include it in the next issue." 

Bircan and I have locked horns before and I enjoy a challenge, but I knew just giving my own opinion would really not carry much weight. No, to face the issue properly I knew I would have to do some research. I figured that the Devil himself might shed some "light" on this subject, if it were at all possible. After all, who is the father of all war and killing if not the Devil himself? It would be a bit tricky trying to get an interview. The Devil is busier these days than ever before. Also, he has been known to lie a bit and parse words better than Bill Clinton. It would mean anything he said in the interview would have to be read with this awareness.

That being said, I decided to pursue the Old Father of Flies for a chance to speak with him. You might well ask how an amateur interviewer would ever get a chance to catch such a rare opportunity. If the truth must be known, I was well aware where Satan might easily be found. I had been in touch with him over the years on more than one occasion. This time I intended to put our contact to some good use. Who knows? Perhaps it might even convince Bircan of the error of her logic... but I doubt it. I'll explain why, too.

First however, I needed to get in touch with Satan himself. I did say I knew where to find him. As a loyal Yankees baseball fan I knew Satan could never resist a chance to go to the stadium, especially when the Boston Red Sox were in town. I simply waited for the right moment. It was just a few weeks ago. I even knew where Satan would be sitting. It would be right beside me at the game.

For many years I've been friends with a poor deluded soul named "The Boston Horndog*". This pathetic creature was born and raised in New York, yet he roots for a team that has not won a World Series since Babe Ruth was traded away to the Yankees. The year? 1918. We went to a baseball game each year and often when the Sox played the Yankees. I depended on Satan being present as he always was... hosted inside my good friend, The Boston Horndog.

        *Identity shielded for his own protection

It was a quick game, as games go. It began with a Boston lead and they played well... right into the ninth inning. At the bottom of the ninth, everything fell apart and the team lost to the Yankees.... again. The Horndog was totally dejected, a state that Satan has led him to on more than one occasion. Even a few cups of high priced stadium beer did little to remove the sting of defeat. Cursing? Yes, to be sure. The whole world and Red Sox management was particularly sounded out. Satan was enjoying himself. In the middle of the game, however, I summoned him forth.

"Horndog," I began, "let's drop all the pretense. I have an assignment and I am going to need a little bit of help."

"What? What has any of that got to do with me?"  Clearly it was a bit of the beer talking as the Horndog does have a gentle nature some of the time.

"Let me be direct. Satan come forth!", I shouted and laying my hands upon my friend, I caught him as he slumped forward.

"You knew all along, didn't you?", said the Dark Angel.

"Yes, it was easy to tell. He did not seem to be possessed by the legions of demons you sponsor. I figured it out quite easily. Any Yankees fan could tell you about the Hell of Fenway Park. It would make sense that one would find you occupying a body of a Boston fanatic. I need to ask  you a few questions about "peace"  for publication in The Light Millennium."

"Cute. Well, and good, but I am quite, quite busy. A little bit of tweaking around inside your friend during a Boston / Yankees match up is the only pleasure I seem to get these days."

"Liar," I accused him.

"Thanks for that. You know I love a compliment. OK, I will give you a little of my time just as a courtesy. Ask away."

Satan was not a mind reader. You'd be surprised to know that he is not so powerful. He can plant suggestions in your mind, but he cannot read your mind. It is something you should be aware of. He did not know I was looking for him until I made it clear, and he did not know I was aware it was he alone who was inside the Horndog's xbody.

The Boston Horndog, by the way, was still quite passed out in his seat. On a Wednesday night game this is not so unusual. Our upper tier seats were in a quite empty part of the stadium. Satan, Horndog and I were quite alone and able to pursue a conversation without much being out of the ordinary. We looked like three middle class fellows out for a night at the park.

I was amazed to learn that Satan was aware of LM's existence. I attribute this to Satan doing some research of his own.

I began to inquire a few things of Satan just for background and then we got into the topic of "Peace". It was just as I had suspected all along. Satan was in favor of Peace... on his own terms, of course.

That and more, dear reader, will be outlined in our continuation and I will knit together the parable at the start of this piece with what Satan told me.... next issue.

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E- Mail to Robert J. Baumann: rbaumann@nyc.rr.com
Dated: Sep 8, 2003